Four weeks of food therapy

Burdie gave me the following suggestions for mantras:                     I deserve to feel comfortable in my body                     I am able to hike any trail I chose                    My body is strong and I move with ease I will think about those or some version of them...                   

I managed to make it through the day without snacks. At the end of the session I did take a bar home with me, but it was 5pm and I was genuinely hungry and it still left me eating properly for the day. It may seem like a partial victory, but I consider it a good one. The next step would be to do that without having to think about it constantly during the conference. Still such a long way to go.

This is really when I have to work hard to keep going because I will have a few things throwing me off. I am going to a conference where there will be free food, and we are going camping where any time we are on vacation food and drink go hand in hand. Let's just start with today. Today I will not eat food from the conference. If I succeed in that, then I can eat one thing tomorrow. If I succeed this will be a first and I will be amazed, so let's see if I can do it. Someone hold me back! No, that's me that has to do that...

I got frustrated today (for no good reason) and as I was grocery store I started thinking of ways to reward myself with food. It could be just a bag of chips I thought, or just a little ice cream. I tried talking myself down, but I could not think of anything that would satisfy me. So I bought a really good ice cream. As I was driving home I started to think about how I would feel after, and thought that maybe just popcorn instead would be good. So I got home and put the icecream in the fridge and was going to make popcorn until I saw how many blueberries we had and started eating those. Then I boiled a couple of ears of corn and that was good too. Ok, I did have one oatmeal cookie too, but all in all that was not bad, right? Well actually it was. That was a whole meal's worth of calories. Bummer.

     Here is the typical pattern: great motivation for the first few days, then discouragement, then the results from the good days start to show up and I'm filled with optimism. However, here is where it goes wrong.... I get comfortable and have a piece of chocolate here, and some other snack there, and start the steady slope down to giving up.      So now is when I have to stop it. I wear uncomfortable clothes as a constant reminder, but I'm focusing on food. The less I do, the more I think about food, and yet I don't really want to do anything. I will continue to track and continue to move.     A quote I really like is "If you don't stop thinking about it, don't stop working towards it."

Maybe it is a New England puritan thing, but I have to be able to do this on my own without paying someone. It's all just a mind game. One that is not impossible to win, I hope. Every time I have asked someone for help, I have resented them for trying to help me. It's strange the way that works. If they are telling me what to do (or usually not do) then it implies that I can't take care of myself or that I don't know the basics of eating and exercising. Also, since I have tied eating so closely with freedom and independence, my reaction to others' suggestions is not a good one. So I remain interested in people's alternate views about the psychology of the whole thing as it relates to their weight struggle, but I am going to have to just decide to do this on my own.

Ok, so just like a puppy or a misbehaving child, the strategy is to divert attention to something more productive or at least less destructive. So here are things that I enjoy doing: (I am afraid to write anything because I will be told to go do them instead of eating and I already don't want to). And still she persisted in the list...(in no particular order) I like reading, painting with loud music, walking or hiking, talking on the phone, organizing stuff, planting stuff, going places I've never been, writing sometimes, I love having my feet massaged. I will keep editing this post as I think of things...

As it often does, my body revolts after I have had several days of exercising well and eating less. It lures me back into the swamp. You're tired, you need a break. You have done so well, you can afford to slack off a little. Or the even more insidious way, which is to persuade me that since I have seen no tangible progress it is a sign that I will never succeed, so I should just learn to accept myself as I am. In any case the glory of beginning is over, so I'm ready to quit. I knew I was feeling vulnerable today so I thought I would make a huge broccoli salad so that I could eat lots of food without too much of a consequence. Well, yes, the broccoli did not carry a lot of calories, even 5 cups of it, but once you include almost a half cup of mayonnaise and a half package of bacon you have left the healthy aspect far back in the dust. It's really interesting to me how when I mentally look at the salad it's all broccoli, but if I were to take all of the other ingredients...

Attitude is everything. Jacob is trying to get back in shape and he was talking about what he's doing and he's eating, and his summary was "It feels great". I really need to look at it that way instead of as a form of suffering. It really would feel great to be less stuffed into my skin. To be lighter to lift and carry around. I also often feel like I need to stop feeling like I need to apologize for not eating as much or trying to be healthier. I worry that I am a kill joy if I am trying to eat better. Alright, now I just have to go exercise because I can.

Well actually these are things I learned yesterday, but only now can I write them down. Neil said two things that I would like to internalize.      One: remember, you are the only one in charge of what you eat, and if you want to eat something, then go ahead, it's your choice. However, just remember that you then have to accept the consequences that go with it. You are not just choosing the food, you are choosing the uncomfortable body and the need for knee surgery at the same time.(ok, I'm paraphrasing here)      Two: whenever you start to feel sorry for yourself about what you can't eat, take a step back and be grateful that you are able to eat beautiful, real food.