Four weeks of food therapy

Maybe it is a New England puritan thing, but I have to be able to do this on my own without paying someone. It's all just a mind game. One that is not impossible to win, I hope. Every time I have asked someone for help, I have resented them for trying to help me. It's strange the way that works. If they are telling me what to do (or usually not do) then it implies that I can't take care of myself or that I don't know the basics of eating and exercising. Also, since I have tied eating so closely with freedom and independence, my reaction to others' suggestions is not a good one. So I remain interested in people's alternate views about the psychology of the whole thing as it relates to their weight struggle, but I am going to have to just decide to do this on my own.

Ok, so just like a puppy or a misbehaving child, the strategy is to divert attention to something more productive or at least less destructive. So here are things that I enjoy doing: (I am afraid to write anything because I will be told to go do them instead of eating and I already don't want to). And still she persisted in the list...(in no particular order) I like reading, painting with loud music, walking or hiking, talking on the phone, organizing stuff, planting stuff, going places I've never been, writing sometimes, I love having my feet massaged. I will keep editing this post as I think of things...

As it often does, my body revolts after I have had several days of exercising well and eating less. It lures me back into the swamp. You're tired, you need a break. You have done so well, you can afford to slack off a little. Or the even more insidious way, which is to persuade me that since I have seen no tangible progress it is a sign that I will never succeed, so I should just learn to accept myself as I am. In any case the glory of beginning is over, so I'm ready to quit. I knew I was feeling vulnerable today so I thought I would make a huge broccoli salad so that I could eat lots of food without too much of a consequence. Well, yes, the broccoli did not carry a lot of calories, even 5 cups of it, but once you include almost a half cup of mayonnaise and a half package of bacon you have left the healthy aspect far back in the dust. It's really interesting to me how when I mentally look at the salad it's all broccoli, but if I were to take all of the other ingredients...

Attitude is everything. Jacob is trying to get back in shape and he was talking about what he's doing and he's eating, and his summary was "It feels great". I really need to look at it that way instead of as a form of suffering. It really would feel great to be less stuffed into my skin. To be lighter to lift and carry around. I also often feel like I need to stop feeling like I need to apologize for not eating as much or trying to be healthier. I worry that I am a kill joy if I am trying to eat better. Alright, now I just have to go exercise because I can.

Well actually these are things I learned yesterday, but only now can I write them down. Neil said two things that I would like to internalize.      One: remember, you are the only one in charge of what you eat, and if you want to eat something, then go ahead, it's your choice. However, just remember that you then have to accept the consequences that go with it. You are not just choosing the food, you are choosing the uncomfortable body and the need for knee surgery at the same time.(ok, I'm paraphrasing here)      Two: whenever you start to feel sorry for yourself about what you can't eat, take a step back and be grateful that you are able to eat beautiful, real food.

I guess I am having a hard time figuring how to make this attempt any different than other attempts. What is there that I can change in the way I view things and the way I talk to myself? What are the times when things fall apart? If there is free food either at a party or at work or anywhere else I can't help but eat it. There is something about the fact that it's free that makes it irresistible to me. It feels like a special occasion, so any restrictions go out the window. It really doesn't matter if I like the food or if I'm hungry. If there is free food I will eat it. If I go out with friends I end up eating faster than everyone else so if we are sharing an appetizer I eat too much, or if I am done they might offer me their fries or whatever they are not eating. Also I try to eat fatty food so that I don't get a hangover. If I'm at home alone and something made me unhappy or frustrated, or there is something that I am supposed to do that I don't wan...

This morning started with a weigh in showing that I have numerically moved from obese to overweight. That's a good thing and it made me happy. Here is today's struggle: I exercised like I was supposed to, I worked in the woods, I was tired and sweaty and it felt good. However when lunch time came around I really wanted salt so I had a few tortilla chips. The bag was almost done, but really more than was right to eat at one time. I knew I should eat half and put it back, which I tried to do. However, it just seemed so delicious and I figured it wasn't that much... and yes, I talked myself into eating them all. I can't seem to eat some or part of something and then forget about it and save it for later or the next day. I would make me happy to have stopped and it would make me happy to be able to have it again the next day, but I still just keep eating.

When I think of food, something that rarely comes up at the same time is hunger. Hmmm, I sometimes feel like people are faking it when they say they don’t want food because they are not hungry. It seems absurd to me. Clearly something to work on there. And one more thought on hunger: if I ever get hungry, like I am right now, I quickly develop a sense of panic, that has to be fixed immediately because I am hurting myself by starving myself .

I love food. I love wonderfully prepared high quality food, and I love crap. I love eating. Eating is one of the few things that makes me understand mindfulness. When I’m eating I don’t feel like there is anything else I should be doing because this is it. This is the good stuff. Eating is mine to choose. I don’t care what others say or think, it’s mine, and if you try to take it away I will show you just how independent I am by taking it all back and more. Eating includes the joys of excess. That feeling that you are just going for it without trying to be reasonable or measured or proper. All those prim expectations thrown out the door feels like freedom. Eating is celebration and reward. It’s earned, it’s deserved, it’s comforting.

So I recently heard that one of the important reasons that people gain weight as they get older is that they don't move as much as they used to. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's true. Not only do I move less, but I have successfully persuaded myself that I have to protect myself too much movement because I will be too tired. So I try to protect myself from hunger and movement. I guess the weight gain is not really a surprise with that outlook.

I decided to do a little Jax training. It failed. My first instinct was to come back inside and punish him by eating. Yup, you read that correctly. Makes sense to me. But I didn’t, so yay for me.

Ok, attempt #2033 at working on my weight. There are plenty of reasons to make it work, but most importantly I am uncomfortable in my own body, and I am going to need surgery on my knee very soon if I don’t do something about this. Having said that, after talking to my new personal trainer (you have to try all different things, right?), I feel a little bit like someone wants to take away one of my good friends.